Humor
Good Night, Sweet Prince
An Obituary for The United States of America
The United States of America, 244 years old, originally of Plymouth Rock, a democratic republic and imperial superpower, died on November 3rd, 2020 at the ballot box surrounded by misguided patriots. The cause of death was Manifest Destiny.
Until its recent incapacity due to COVID-19, The United States of America was the sole world superpower and leading manufacturer, consumer, and user of top of the line firearms such as the AR-15. Before an unfortunate bout with nationalistic zeal, America contributed to leading international organizations such as the Paris Climate Agreement, the World Health Organization, and even had commanding influence in the United Nations. The United States led international development activities such as Operation Iraqi Freedom, Operation Just Cause, and the bombing of Hiroshima. America also led domestic improvement projects such as the Dakota Access Pipeline, The Energy Policy Act of 2005 (also known as the Halliburton Loophole), and DisneyWorld. During its tenure as global superpower, The United States negotiated dozens of acquisitions, expanding American freedom to first-world, second-world, and especially third-world countries all over the globe! America was instrumental in helping Vladimir Putin achieve hegemony in the region. The United States secured its place as a moral authority while defeating Nazism and Adolf Hitler but, sadly, in its later years succumbed to manic bouts of similar xenophobic authoritarianism.
The United States was born in Philadelphia, PA, the child of the late Founding Fathers. It graduated from the United Kingdom, where it excelled in the use of indentured humans and the exploitation of global resources to accumulate decadent wealth.
America was an avid hunter, automobile enthusiast, and fossil fuel connoisseur. It particularly loved extracting rare metals from the Sierra Nevada Goldfields without the burden of treaties with Indigenous Nations. It enjoyed travel, and treasured memories of trips with its special companions John Piermont Morgan Sr. and, most recently, Jeffrey P. Bezos. After its diagnosis, it often told friends and family how grateful it was for such “an abundant life.”
The United States is survived by its 328 million children, nearly 7 billion enemies, and West Palm Beach. It also leaves behind its sister the United Kingdom (Boris Johnson), The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia (Mohammed bin Salman), and, most notably, The Russian Federation (Vladimir Putin).
Funeral services will be held at The National Mall on Inauguration Day 2021 at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Washington DC, 20500 at 11:00 a.m. A reception will follow in a bunker.
In lieu of flowers, the family would be honored by a grassroots donation in America’s memory to The Trump Organization.
Ben Stasny is a graduate student at The University of Colorado — Boulder. He writes, acts, directs, and makes mischief of all sorts.
Samuel Jaye Tanner is a professor in the Penn State system, a writer of some (mostly ill) repute, an improviser, and an altogether terrible basketball player.
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