Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Public Education — I’m your favorite high school teacher? Gosh, thanks. I’ll hang this note on the wall behind my desk, next to the Covid protocol checklist. That way I’ll always remember it was your fault that my mother died because you wouldn’t wear your mask over your nose. …

A letter from the desk of Vice Principal Harriet Nantuckett — My Dear Students, It is I, Vice Principal Harriet Nantuckett. Welcome back from holiday break! I hope your time off was filled with festive joy. And a hearty thank you for complying with our new COVID guidances. …

This is super scientific so you should totally buy our curriculum — More than 5/4th of American children don’t know what cosine is by the end of 4th grade! The National Institutes of Health has demonstrated that this unacceptable rate of failure disproportionately harms underprivileged, marginalized, at-risk, impoverished, urban, emerging, exotic, savage, heathen, Canaanite, and probably magical students. The Confederate Establishment of…

A letter from your friend Neoliberalism — Hello, it’s me. Your good friend neoliberalism. What? You didn’t realize that we were friends? Or that I’ve been living in your bedroom? That’s probably because I spend most of my time under your bed. And in your closet. Don’t worry about it. Where’d I come from? I’m not sure…

Where All You’ll Catch is A Good Time! — Hi, my name is Bunny Fauci, the granddaughter of American hero Dr. Anthony Fauci. In these turbulent times, the last thing you should be worried about is catching any sort of airborne illness while shopping for groceries. …

President Nixon Responds to Trump’s Phone Call — January 4th, 2021 Good evening. This is the first time I have spoken to you since my death in 1994. If it were up to me, I would be speaking to you from the Oval Office, where important matters of national interest are made and delivered. I do not have…

An open letter to America — Hello Americans. It is me, Melania. For the past many four years, I have great pleasure of inviting you into house with Donald and me and Barron for Thanksgiving fun. This year, because of Nancy Pelosi, we are being evicted from our home, this is thing I would never wish…

You Killed Ms. Smith, Steven — I didn’t miss any days of school during my first year as a high school teacher. I was a strapping twenty-three year-old. And it was 2003. Long before pandemics. I scheduled my first substitute during my second year. And not because I was sick. I was the school’s theatre teacher…

A Play in One Scene — There is darkness. Lots of it. Silence for a moment. Then a buzz. Then a voice in the darkness. Voice: I approach, Broodmother. Silence. A beat. Then gentle laughter. The broodmother responds. Broodmother: I grant you audience, child. Dull, patriotic light illuminates the cave. We are deep beneath The United…